Parents: Here’s How Not to Have Your Young Adult “Fail to Launch” This Semester

If we’re not careful, we might be setting up our young adults to fail.

Failure to launch: three words no parents wants to hear used to describe the state of their young adult. But for countless families across the country, this is their reality; and we are expecting it to get worse as a result of the coronavirus pandemic.

An unofficial term, “failure to launch” is commonly used to describe the experience of a young adult (generally between the ages of 18 and 30) who lacks the emotional and/or psychological desire, preparation, and skills to become a self-reliant, autonomous human being. In one or many ways, the young adult remains stuck; unable to move forward with embracing new responsibilities and to take the steps they need to sustain a fulfilling, independent life.

In the field of social work, we attribute “failure to launch’’ to parental dependency or maladaptive codependency: a longing to maintain a safe and sheltered life that is congruent with childhood and adolescence. We see young adults who are struggling to step away from the comforts and conveniences of any number of parental supports, whether that is having a parent continue to pay the bills and make their doctor’s appointments or help with homework, manage the laundry and cook all the meals.

For many young adults, leaving home to attend college has always represented that first opportunity to break this dependency. It is the time to learn, develop, practice, and eventually master positive and vital social, emotional, and psychological life skills: the skills of independent living.

In the age of Covid-19, however, this time of transition has been disrupted. In July of this year, 52% of young adults were living with one or both of their parents (up from 47% in February). A few weeks into the new semester, the college landscape remains a patchwork of full or partial reopenings, hybrid models, and remote learning curriculums.

As so many young people lose the chance to fully step away from home, we can expect there to be setbacks to development and, if we are not careful, we may see a forced “failure to launch” phenomenon. We need only look to history to see the profound effects of the last Great Recession on the development and healthy transition of young adults.

The good news is that this does not have to be our story. What many parents may not realize is that there is so much that can be done to help young adults “launch” even if they are continuing to live at home under their parent’s roof.

Below are some pointers on how to start that process:

Allow your young adult to fail

It is essential for a young adult to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors, especially if they are struggling with the need to accept new responsibilities and learn the skills that are necessary for young adulthood. Natural consequences provide wonderful teaching moments and offer opportunities to build skills and resilience. Some examples include:

● Not waking your young adult child up even if you know they are sleeping through a class. You are not their alarm and they need to learn how to develop accountability and systems around their own sleep and wake cycle.

● Not helping with the paper you see them grappling with or the exam they are struggling to study for, even if it means your child might get a bad grade. You would not be living with them on a college campus. They need to learn to navigate academic difficulties with the resources available to them outside of their parents like academic learning centers, TA’s, or student centers.

● Not doing your young adult’s laundry. Again, on a college campus, they would be left to manage laundry on their own (if they don’t want to be the smelly person!).

Stop parenting (so much)

With the best of intentions, parents can contribute to a “failure to launch” scenario by being…parents. While the natural instinct to help and protect your child does not go away just because your child is 25 or 30 or even 45, it is important to understand that caving to the urge or instinct to shield and protect can hinder the psychosocial development of your young adult child and rob them of the opportunity to mature, launch, thrive and be resilient in the face of disappointment. It is important that parents…

● Not make doctors' appointments for their young adult. At college, they would need to do this on their own.

● Not cook every meal. On a college campus, a young adult would need to navigate a dining hall or the kitchen at their student apartment. If your young adult child is living with you during the pandemic, have them be responsible for cooking a certain number of meals per week for the family. It is also a great skill for them to do the grocery shopping for the house once a week (on a budget)!

Role model

The on-campus college experience provides young people with an opportunity to connect with and be inspired by professors and peers engaged in ethical and civic endeavors. This in turn helps with the development of a values framework and a sense of purpose: important young adult developmental tasks. Without the opportunity for connection to inspiring individuals outside of the family, the behavior and actions of parents become more important. Parents, your words and actions are important. Your kids are watching and listening.

● Get involved in civic actions and causes that are congruent with the values and ethics espoused in the home.

● Purposefully discuss and ponder social, civic, and ethical events while the family spends time together in the home.

● Lay expectations around ethical, trustworthy, and empathic norms of conduct. It is still your home, so the family needs to abide by your rules.

Be positive, loving, and validating

Many young adults who are stuck at home due to the coronavirus feel anxious and stressed. Many of them were working quite hard to become less dependent and the pandemic has thrown an additional wrench in their plans and in the natural order of things. While caretaking, or doing for a young adult what they can do for themselves, is discouraged, caring, loving, and validating them is essential. It is helpful for parents to cheer their young adults on from the sidelines because poor self-esteem and a lack of a sense of self-efficacy can contribute to difficulties with launching. Genuine support, encouragement, and validation, on the other hand, can bolster confidence.

● Pay attention to and validate your young adult child’s feelings. The goal is not to help your child eliminate anxiety, but to support and cheer them on as they learn to tolerate new challenges and learn the coping skills they need to face adversity.

● Check-in with your child and listen to their concerns. Make sure to validate their emotions and let them know that their concerns and frustrations are understandable and normal.

● Acknowledge the small successes, they are the building blocks for bigger successes. For instance, you can say “I think it is wonderful that you got called back for the second interview. I am proud of you regardless of whether you get the job.”

Most of all, take care of yourself!

Anticipating your young adult child leaving the nest to attend college can bring up a variety of emotions including sadness, fear, and loneliness. At the same time, many parents also look forward to having their house and time back.

Know that it is possible (and okay!) to love your child and love the feeling you have when they are home with you AND also love when they are away and the time and space that creates for you as a parent to nurture and pamper yourself. While the coronavirus may be forcing many young adults to stay in the nest, parents should still prioritize their needs and self-care.

● Reconnect with old friends

● Set new goals

● Make time for parent-only fun

● Pick up a new hobby

● Make time for pampering rituals

● Do nothing! That’s right.. nothing(!) Your child is a young adult and can be “doing” for themself. It is okay for you to enjoy doing nothing if that’s what you choose!